Ask for What You Need

Over the years as a therapist providing marriage counseling it has intrigued me that often people communicate their needs in an angry or hurt way, rather than simply an honest request for the specific thing that is needed.  The focus tends to be on the ways in which the need was ignored, forgotten, granted incorrectly, or refused altogether.  Now, this is understandable for many reasons, but this approach of focusing on the ways in which one's partner did NOT meet one's needs often becomes more of a habit for the initial expression of the need, which, of course, does not express what is needed at all.

A few years ago, I was working with a couple when this issue became very apparent.  It is common in many marriages, but on this day it was so crystal clear and quite simply needed to be directly addressed.  The husband was telling his wife how unhappy and frustrated he is with how she handles some of the things in their marriage.  He had some legitimate needs, but he was telling her all the ways she was making mistakes and upsetting him without once asking for his needs to be met.  In fact, his statements were coming off poorly and she was getting upset.  

I stopped him and asked him if he was attempting to express some needs.  He expressed that he was doing that.  I turned to his wife, who had tears running down her face, and asked her how she was feeling.  She said she felt criticized and attacked (which is how it was feeling to me, as well).  I talked with them about how it is important to ask for what we need, rather than stating only what we do not like.  He attempted to shift this and struggled to express himself at all.

So often in marriage we hurt one another unintentionally by asking for basic, appropriate needs that we are not feeling are getting met by our partner.  It is unfortunate that the way we ask for these needs is typically done in a way that is perceived as criticism by our spouse because we make this very common mistake of stating what we don't like instead.  In so doing, we end up making our spouse upset instead of getting a loving, validating response.

Try making a purposeful change in your marriage by paying close, careful attention to how you ask for your needs to be met by your spouse.  I think you both will appreciate this adjustment.

The Wise Men

The Wise Men

Amongst all the stories in the scriptures surrounding the Savior’s birth, one of the most remarkable and inspirational to me is the story of the wise men – the magi coming from the east.  How many there were, who they were, or where exactly they were from, we are not told.  What we do know is that they were wise.  And therefore, it behooves us, if we would be wise men and women, as well, to study the record and learn from, and follow, their example.  Sometimes I think at Christmastime we just talk about the wise men and tell their well-rehearsed story without giving it much more thought than that.  Perhaps that is the case with many of the stories surrounding the birth of Jesus.  But with the story of the wise men at least, let’s dig a little deeper this morning and see what we can find that would help us be a little wiser ourselves.

The first thing we learn about the wise men in the scriptural account given by Matthew is related as follows,

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, “Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.”  (Matthew 2:1-2)

There are at least two important things we learn about the wise men in these verses. First, how did they know in the first place that a new star in the heavens was a sign about the birth of the Messiah?  It is clear that they were men who studied the scriptures diligently – more so than just reading a few verses here and there.  These men, like the sons of Mosiah in the Book of Mormon, must surely have “searched the scriptures diligently that they might know the word of God.”  They knew from that study that a new star would appear on the night of the Savior’s birth in divine annunciation of His arrival. 

Secondly, the wise men arrived in Jerusalem looking for the newborn King because they did not only understand that the star was a sign that He was born, and rejoice in that knowledge, but they chose to follow that star as far as it led them, for as long as it took, until they knelt at the feet of the young Child.  Scholars believe the Christ Child was no longer an infant in the manger by the time the magi found Him, but rather He was a toddler in His home in Nazareth.  These men must have traveled from their home in the east for months from the time they first saw that star in the heavens, given as a sign on the night of His birth, until they finally arrived to meet Him.  Matthew relates this as follows,

            And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshiped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.  (Matthew 2:11).

I believe that inherent in this story of the wise men, there is another great lesson to be gleaned.  The wise men were aware, of course, from their diligent study of the scriptures, that Jesus was come to save all mankind from sin and death.  He was their Savior.  He came for the sole purpose of giving them the greatest gift ever given.  But that gift would be given regardless of whether or not the wise men remained in their hometown somewhere in the east.  So why did they come?  There is something to be learned from this.

The wise men did not travel for months, sacrificing everything to find the King of the Jews, so that they could get something from Him.  The record is clear that the wise men traveled so far for so long for one express purpose: so that they could give something to Him.  They brought gifts – the most special and rare that they had to offer – and they came to worship Him.  They didn’t ask anything in return from the young Messiah, though surely they worshiped Him because of the profound dependance they knew they had on Him for their own salvation.

In April conference, 2020, Sister Joy D. Jones shared a brief video in which she and President Russel M. Nelson met with a group of ten young children.  One little girl asked President Nelson if it was hard to be a prophet.  His response has stuck with me over the months since he said it.  “Of course it’s hard,” he responded.  “Everything to do with becoming more like the Savior is difficult….  The Lord loves effort, because effort brings rewards that can’t come without it.”  (“An Especially Noble Calling,” Joy D. Jones, April 2020).

At Christmastime we celebrate Jesus’ birth.  At Easter we remember His sacrifice, death, and, joyfully, we celebrate His resurrection.  At both of these holidays we celebrate new life and new beginnings.  But it is all that happened in between His birth and His resurrection that we truly celebrate on these sacred occasions.  And what He did between His birth and His resurrection shows us the example of what our effort should be like each day.  Said succinctly by the Apostle Luke, Jesus “went about doing good.” (Acts 10:38).  And John adds, “…there are also many other things Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written” (John 21:25).

At Christmastime we always focus on gift-giving – checking our lists for what to give the kids, the spouse, the neighbors, the coworkers, etc.  And that is important, fun, and even symbolic.  But to be wise men and women ourselves the center of our focus at Christmas needs to be what we will do after the tinsel and lights are taken down, the Christmas tree is stowed in the basement again, and even after the nativity set, which reminds us so directly what the true meaning of Christmas is about in the first place, is safely tucked away in its box until next year.  How far will we go, like the wise men, and for how long – how much will we sacrifice?  Or like President Nelson said, how much effort will we give until we fall down at the feet of the Savior, finally, at last in person, to worship Him?  Will we remember Him only in singing carols or sharing the Christmas story for a few weeks of the year up until December 25th?  Or will we do all we can, starting today – the day AFTER Christmas - to serve as He served and to live as He lived?

Like the wise men who traveled so far so that they could give Jesus gifts and worship Him, what gifts will we plan this year to give Jesus? I know that I have so far to go, and so much that I need to be ready to give, before I can feel more comfortable falling at the feet of my Savior in person.  But let us all commit to try; to do all that we can to do better, and to be better; to give all our effort to “seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written” (Ether 12:41). 

I testify that He lives; that His birth is significant because of all that happened thereafter.  Like the wise men, may we make great efforts to seek Him, for as long as it takes, for as far as we have to go, giving all that we have to give, until we can finally fall down at His feet to worship Him. 

Rebuilding: A Process of Effort and Acceptance

 In the history of the Americas a series of the most magnificent events occurred within a very short span of time that significantly affected the people of this continent.  Around the time of the Savior's crucifixion in Jerusalem, the people of the Americas experienced such a terrible destruction of tempests, earthquakes, fires and floods of such magnitude that "the whole face of the land was changed" (3 Nephi 8:12).  

After the Savior appeared to them, restored His doctrine, ministered to them, and established His church among them, the people had some work to do.  With so much destruction having occurred, many cities had entirely burned to the ground, others had been obliterated by the earthquakes, and still others had been sunken and covered completely in water.  4 Nephi in the Book of Mormon tells us that the people once again began to rebuild.  Note how verses 7-10 teach us briefly about the process of this rebuilding:

"And the Lord did prosper them exceedingly in the land; yea, insomuch that they did build cities again where there had been cities burned.

"Yea, even that great city Zarahemla did they cause to be built again.

"But there were many cities which had been sunk, and waters came up in the stead thereof; therefore these cities could not be renewed.

"And now, behold, it came to pass that the people of Nephi did wax strong, and did multiply exceedingly fast, and became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people."

Now that's a great little story about the people rebuilding their cities, but let's go a little deeper.  As I read these verses today I recognized something I had not seen before and how they compare sometimes to our lives.  At certain times or seasons we all go through some very painful and devastating events; sometimes even life-changing or destructive.  So much so that the "whole face of [our lives] was changed" by these events.  It can feel as if parts of our lives were completely burned.  Others were obliterated by the total shake-up of what occurred.  And still other parts of our lives are sunken, drowned and completely covered over with very cold waters of our trials.

These trials can be almost more destructive and overwhelming than we believe we can handle and, like the Nephites during the immediate days after the destruction, we often lament and mourn in total darkness. Divorce, death, long-term illness, financial reversals or job losses/changes, children turning from the truthfulness of the gospel - just to name a very few - are examples of these kinds of challenges.

I want to refer to the process of rebuilding.  First of all, the people were healed, reassured, and comforted as the Savior of the world came to them in their adversities and touched every single one of them one by one.  

Secondly, however, after He had left, these people were empowered to begin the process of rebuilding.  I believe it is significant to note that, although some cities could be entirely reconstructed once again - the burned and irrecognizable buildings and terrain being razed and then subsequently rebuilt in their places - other places were impossible to rebuild due to the nature of the destruction.

Our lives can be like that.  We can rebuild some aspects of our lives almost entirely after significantly destructive events take place.  Like the city of Zarahemla, the rubble can be cleared out and a new city can be rebuilt in its place, likely more beautiful than the first.  

But other aspects of our lives will be forever impossible to rebuild in the way that they once were...and that is totally okay.  Because we can build new things in new ways and in new places.  The key to the rebuilding is not actually in putting things back the way they were.  In fact, it is not in the things or the circumstances at all.  The key to the rebuilding is found partly, but succinctly, in 4 Nephi verse 7 and then in verse 10:  "And the Lord did prosper them exceedingly...."  Followed by, "...the people of Nephi...became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people." 

Said differently, although bad things do happen, when we turn to the Lord to assist us in the rebuilding, our once unrecognizable landscape of life becomes something vastly more beautiful albeit very different, from what we lost.  And in the process, if we let Him, He will make each one of us more beautiful than we once were before the tragedy happened.

Overcoming Harmful Culture

Culture is a powerful word.  However, we often think of it as a foreign thing - something that only other countries or ethnicities are subject to.  The truth is that culture exists all around us.  It lives in our families, our communities, our churches, and our lifestyles and opinions.  It is influenced by biases, trends, opinions, and both positive and negative ideologies.  And it is not uncommon that negative culture can cause a lot of people a lot of pain.

People make very rash and unfair judgments either because they are looking into the culture of another person and do not understand what they are seeing (mainly because it does not line up with how they would act in that situation), or someone living within a given culture may judge another person for not behaving the way the culture might expect.  Either way, cultural misunderstandings about, and there is more than enough offense to go around if we let it.

Years ago, while serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Guatemala, I regularly fell victim to this problem until I learned to accept people where they were and how they saw things, rather than try to pull them over to how I saw things.  I soon discovered that I was much happier when I sought to understand cultural norms that existed, rather than trying to force "Americanisms" onto other people.

So what can be done about these kinds of negative trends?  First and foremost is to be aware of cultural norms that exist immediately around us.  These are definitely hard to spot because we are engulfed within our own culture and don't typically think of it as offensive or problematic or judgmental to anyone simply because it is what we see and live and breathe every day.  But just because it is common does not mean it doesn't hurt or confuse others.

I have had young men and women in my office who came home early from missions (typically for physical or mental health issues) who felt that they were being pressured to get right back out there on their missions fast, when they are home because they are very sick and maybe should NOT go back out at all.  They have reported feeling judged and frowned on if they didn't go back out.  The cultural ideology is that one can only "complete" a mission if the full 18 or 24 months is finished.  That is not true, but that is the assumption.  These individuals were honorably released so that they could get home and address their health or mental health challenges.  According to the church, they have fulfilled their responsibilities.  But cultural expectations provide real or perceived pressure for these young people that can so often be suffocating to them.

At other times I have had clients come in who are single, widowed, or divorced, who report that they feel like they now don't fit in in their community because our community is very marriage oriented.  Of course, marriage is a fantastic and worthy goal, and my point is not to say otherwise.  My point is that some feel they are second-class citizens if they are single (often, by the way, through no fault of their own) and they are sometimes excluded, or self-exclude, because of these cultural patterns.  For example, where they used to go out as couples with friends, now that they are single they feel like a "third wheel" and turn down invitations due to just feeling uncomfortable, or, on the flip side, they just don't get invitations to go anymore.

These are cultural perceptions, both of the individual living in that situation, but also (and often unwittingly) of other people who are on the other end (e.g., the family or neighbors of the early-returned missionary who means well by asking when he's going back out).  We all can do better at simply reaching out to others in simple kindness.  And if we find ourselves on the other side of a cultural norm, we can do better at kindly and patiently educating people about it a little better, rather than getting offended.

Depression: The Deception of Your Perception

Depression: The Deception of Your Perception

In my private practice a fair number of my clients (who come in for a myriad of reasons from pornography and sex addiction to overcoming attentional issues) also struggle with varying degrees of depression.  This "fun" little creature is like a barnacle, attached without your permission to the hull of your life and creating all kinds of drag as you try to move forward in basic decision-making and relationship-building.  Some people notice it is there, but few who notice it know what to do about it.

After seeing this hitchhiking parasite attach itself almost invisibly to several clients lately who came in initially presenting with issues other than depression, I decided to say a few words about this deceitful gremlin we call depression.

 Let's clarify one thing first.  Depression is not synonymous with sadness.  In fact, contrary to popular belief, you do not need to even feel sadness to qualify for a clinical diagnosis of depression.  Indeed, many people with clinical depression complain more about feeling numb than they do about feeling sad.  Ironically they often say this with tear-stained faces, but that isn't because they can feel sad about not feeling sad.  Usually it's because they are just downright miserable.  This is the first hoop that depression sneaks through with most people who don't fully understand it.  They don't know they're depressed because they feel numb, not sad.

Primarily, however, I wanted to address the lifeblood of so much of what we know about depression.  A mega-culprit for the fueling of depression is distorted, negative, cynical thinking about self and the world we are in.  It never ceases to amaze me how far off from factual the perception is in a person with moderate to severe depression.  In the same way that a prism bends light, depression bends truth and makes our perception of our world oblique and befuddled.  Depression is like having muscle spasms in your brain - the perpetual twitching of one's perception tends to produce absurd views that have jiggled their way slowly loose from the moorings of reality to a place far from rational to the objective person who is not privy to what is happening in the mind of the depressed person.  And yet to the person with depression, this absurd reality seems so logical and obvious, even though they typically cannot produce a well-founded rationale to support it.

Consider a few examples of how this might work.  Have you ever played that game where you are shown what you are told is a very close-up image of some everyday object and your task is to make a guess as to what it is?  What looks like a sieve or a honeycomb is actually a fly's eye, or what looks like tree bark is actually a close up shot of a moth.  Depression has the tendency to distort reality that much as well.  We tend to see what we look for

The Source of Your Peace

After a couple of recent posts I read on Facebook (and a few other not-so-recent posts I'm remembering), I wish to write a little encouragement to good-hearted divorcees who are innocent victims in their divorce. Whether in my private practice or people I know in my personal life, there are many divorced individuals whose former spouses (yup, I'm referring to the one who left, blew up the family, cheated, or whatever might be the issue) are now receiving or basking in good things that happen to them - in particular enjoying companionship and love in a relationship - while you remain lonely and hurting, holding the veritable bulk of the marital baggage and/or childcare responsibilities. You may cry "Unfair!!" or "I want justice!!" You may wonder how it can be okay that, after what they've done to hurt the family or you individually that they can so quickly move on in happiness and seemingly without having to cross paths with Karma. I hope I can offer some peace on this issue that I have learned over the last few years. I apologize this may be longer than a typical post, but I feel strongly about this.

Never clamor for more justice to be done. Justice was done over 2000 years ago. It's been paid in full, to the uttermost farthing by the Savior of the world. And because of the Atonement, every perpetrated act against us or anyone else goes immediately to Gethsemane the moment it is carried out. The issue never is between you and the offender. It is between the offender and Christ. He stands between you and the perpetrator - perfectly holding him or her accountable, and perfectly offering you compensating blessings. He does the latter also because of His Atonement, which means He took upon Him, not only the errors of your offending ex-spouse, but the pain that those offenses caused you.

It is rather odd, don't you think, that when we have been offended by another, we look to them as the source of our peace. We want them - the very individual who has done or is doing us harm - to assuage our pain and calm our anxieties. If they would just stop doing such and such and apologize, we could be happy again and finally rest peacefully at night! Why do we think (delusionally, to be fair) that this individual who has harmed us would be the first to step up to the task of making us feel better? In short, why look to him or her for peace? Even if they DID want to make things better, the past is the past - it is still there. The wound has now been opened and there is not one soul on this earth who has the power to heal another's pain, no matter how apologetic we may be. So stop looking to the one who caused your pain to be the one who will heal you. You won't find peace there. You find it in Christ - who offers you that peace through the Atonement.

Secondly, it is not reasonable to assume that you will find peace or happiness in your ex-spouse's pain or suffering. In what way - really - do you or I feel better when we witness another person suffering? Their suffering does not atone for their act against us! It does nothing for our pain, either. That we relish in their "paying" for what they did is a condition of the natural man, is short-lived, and ultimately cankers our own soul rather than offer us healing salve. We end up worse off than we were to begin with when we crave vengeance upon another.

Third, it is not written anywhere, at least not in canonized scripture, that we as the victim of some perpetrated act lose peace or happiness because the individual who has offended us repented and obtained mercy. Please refer to Elder Holland's conference talk in April 2012, "The Laborers in the Vineyard," with regard to this principle. When this issue comes up it is usually when a former offending spouse reconciles to the Church and receives their blessings and privileges back, sometimes before the offended spouse feels it is fair. I'm not saying there aren't some reasons for why you may feel this way - even good ones (I've heard "not paying child support," "lying to the bishop and stake president about his actions," etc.). Remember - PLEASE remember - that all of Christ's accounts will one day be settled in the black.

Finally, as a component of the above issue, it is not true that we lose access to peace and happiness in our own life if justice is delayed for a season for the perpetrator. You can find peace regardless of what happens with the other person's mounting debts to Christ and regardless of when they are settled. Leave it between the ex-spouse and the Savior. He's got this.

So when your former spouse seems to be happy while still rioting and reveling in unseemly behavior, know that your happiness and peace, in truth, cannot be found through your ex-spouse anyway. Justice will eventually be done to him or her, but you need to concentrate on gaining your own peace through the Savior. Turn to Him for peace. Not your former spouse.

The Power of Commitment

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe is credited for stating what has become one of my favorite quotes: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative and creation.  There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision."

Commitment is a powerful tool, and, indeed, the lack thereof is actually more destructive in our society than we may realize.  It is commitment that carries people forward in agreements made and the giving of one's word.  It is commitment that holds marriages together when rough times come, as they always and surely do.  It is commitment that achieves goals, finishes projects and assignments, follows through on promises, and ultimately performs to completion the greatest of tasks.  How much notoriety would the Great Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, or the Panama Canal hold if they were only partially completed?  How much respect would we have for Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, or George Washington if they had not stuck to their commitments when it got hard?  Do any of the greats of history hold their position in the annals of our memories because halfway through their assigned lot in life they decided it was too hard and just went home?  No.  Nor should it be with us.

That life is hard is not an exclusive fate that falls only to the unlucky, nor can it be said that sticking to a difficult or even dangerous task until it is finished is a cake walk made only by the extraordinary. Every day regular men and women to superhuman things because they are dedicated and committed and have the integrity to keep their word.

In marriage relationships commitment is of critical importance.  In 1995 the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stated, "We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.  Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."  The LDS Church is not the only religious or secular institution to encourage stability and commitment in family relationships.  Commitment holds the power to save a marriage.  Just knowing that your spouse wants to try brings incredible comfort and motivation to try in turn.

Commitment is power.  Whatever task seems difficult in your path, whatever relationship is testing your resolve, whatever decision you are waffling about making but know should go a certain way - move forward with conviction and commitment and then watch as amazing things unfold and happen in your life.