After a couple of recent posts I read on Facebook (and a few other not-so-recent posts I'm remembering), I wish to write a little encouragement to good-hearted divorcees who are innocent victims in their divorce. Whether in my private practice or people I know in my personal life, there are many divorced individuals whose former spouses (yup, I'm referring to the one who left, blew up the family, cheated, or whatever might be the issue) are now receiving or basking in good things that happen to them - in particular enjoying companionship and love in a relationship - while you remain lonely and hurting, holding the veritable bulk of the marital baggage and/or childcare responsibilities. You may cry "Unfair!!" or "I want justice!!" You may wonder how it can be okay that, after what they've done to hurt the family or you individually that they can so quickly move on in happiness and seemingly without having to cross paths with Karma. I hope I can offer some peace on this issue that I have learned over the last few years. I apologize this may be longer than a typical post, but I feel strongly about this.
Never clamor for more justice to be done. Justice was done over 2000 years ago. It's been paid in full, to the uttermost farthing by the Savior of the world. And because of the Atonement, every perpetrated act against us or anyone else goes immediately to Gethsemane the moment it is carried out. The issue never is between you and the offender. It is between the offender and Christ. He stands between you and the perpetrator - perfectly holding him or her accountable, and perfectly offering you compensating blessings. He does the latter also because of His Atonement, which means He took upon Him, not only the errors of your offending ex-spouse, but the pain that those offenses caused you.
It is rather odd, don't you think, that when we have been offended by another, we look to them as the source of our peace. We want them - the very individual who has done or is doing us harm - to assuage our pain and calm our anxieties. If they would just stop doing such and such and apologize, we could be happy again and finally rest peacefully at night! Why do we think (delusionally, to be fair) that this individual who has harmed us would be the first to step up to the task of making us feel better? In short, why look to him or her for peace? Even if they DID want to make things better, the past is the past - it is still there. The wound has now been opened and there is not one soul on this earth who has the power to heal another's pain, no matter how apologetic we may be. So stop looking to the one who caused your pain to be the one who will heal you. You won't find peace there. You find it in Christ - who offers you that peace through the Atonement.
Secondly, it is not reasonable to assume that you will find peace or happiness in your ex-spouse's pain or suffering. In what way - really - do you or I feel better when we witness another person suffering? Their suffering does not atone for their act against us! It does nothing for our pain, either. That we relish in their "paying" for what they did is a condition of the natural man, is short-lived, and ultimately cankers our own soul rather than offer us healing salve. We end up worse off than we were to begin with when we crave vengeance upon another.
Third, it is not written anywhere, at least not in canonized scripture, that we as the victim of some perpetrated act lose peace or happiness because the individual who has offended us repented and obtained mercy. Please refer to Elder Holland's conference talk in April 2012, "The Laborers in the Vineyard," with regard to this principle. When this issue comes up it is usually when a former offending spouse reconciles to the Church and receives their blessings and privileges back, sometimes before the offended spouse feels it is fair. I'm not saying there aren't some reasons for why you may feel this way - even good ones (I've heard "not paying child support," "lying to the bishop and stake president about his actions," etc.). Remember - PLEASE remember - that all of Christ's accounts will one day be settled in the black.
Finally, as a component of the above issue, it is not true that we lose access to peace and happiness in our own life if justice is delayed for a season for the perpetrator. You can find peace regardless of what happens with the other person's mounting debts to Christ and regardless of when they are settled. Leave it between the ex-spouse and the Savior. He's got this.
So when your former spouse seems to be happy while still rioting and reveling in unseemly behavior, know that your happiness and peace, in truth, cannot be found through your ex-spouse anyway. Justice will eventually be done to him or her, but you need to concentrate on gaining your own peace through the Savior. Turn to Him for peace. Not your former spouse.
I appreciate the wisdom and truths reflected in this article. I'd like to take this just one step further - possibly the hardest step. That is to seek and obtain the gift of forgiveness and love for the offending party(s). The Savior himself was still able to have a divine perspective and equally love those who hurt him just like he loved those who followed him. My experience in obtaining this wonderful gift helped me see the relationship beyond that of being a partner/spouse. To look at the person and situation and love them regardless of pain caused, to have that gift of perspective, made all the difference in how I found peace. I've often had to pray repeatedly for that perspective and love to return on many occasions, but it came. With that gift I no longer needed their asking for forgiveness (which never came) and it didn't matter. The urge to want to see them suffer or desire for them to feel the pain I went through was eliminated. Instead, I know long for their happiness. My soul is often pained when I realize the consequences that will have to be faced if repentance isn't sought and forgiveness obtained. To love enough to hope for their eternal happiness is not natural for me to feel in such circumstances. It didn't come quickly either. Much fasting and prayers were required. But isn't that the point of it? To learn is some respects HOW to become more Christ-like? With such experiences (and they are miraculous and monumental) we see life differently and appreciate that Heavenly Father loves and cares for them as much as he does for us. What an opportunity for growth!
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