As the offended spouse you likely feel betrayed, hurt, confused, and may also feel like maybe you are going crazy because you are told so often you are being paranoid or controlling. Yet right in front of you (or likely more often behind your back but you find out later) your spouse is laughing and joking and carrying on with a "friend" of the opposite sex (by text, email, inbox, on the phone, in person, etc.), while your marriage is starving for attention and emotional connection. Sometimes it has gotten even more serious and personal information about your marriage is being divulged, or the two have begun talking or flirting sexually. For those of you who have been or are in that category, let me assure you that YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!! It is cheating. Period. What was your marriage built on in the first place? Sex? Of course not!! If it was built correctly it was most likely built on friendship, time, and attention - basically it was built on emotional intimacy. And now that foundational piece is getting siphoned off by someone who needs to have his/her morals examined for thinking it's okay to plunder someone else's marriage.
As a marriage therapist, let me assure you that the real challenge in helping a couple to heal from an affair is not in getting the sex to stop - it's in healing the betrayal. And there is plenty of betrayal and to spare in most emotional affairs. The betrayed spouse is told things like, "What is your problem? We are just friends. It's no big deal and you're getting all upset for nothing." Yet hours of time is spent talking on the phone with the "friend", texting or Facebooking them regularly to share personal information, and sometimes even meeting them places.
Let's be clear (if I haven't already been) - any of the above mentioned behaviors constitute infidelity in marriage. When one spouse does ANY behavior that is in secret and kept from the other one for the purpose of sharing emotional or personal information, they are running a serious risk of infidelity, if not already committing it. A good rule of thumb to avoid this problem? If you would not be comfortable writing or sharing or doing a given behavior in front of your spouse and with their full agreement, you are in the wrong and should make a different choice. Your marriage likely depends on it.
In research done by John Gottman at the Gottman Institute, results showed that when asked what was the biggest determining factor for whether women felt satisfied with the romance, sex, and passion in the marriage, they responded by 70% that it was the quality of the couple's friendship. Men reported the exact same statistic. So if one or the other spouse is nurturing friendship with a different individual and not within the marriage, in what way can that be justified as fidelity? How can they wonder why their own marriage is not producing the spice or spark it once had when they are giving the lion's share of the most important aspect of that spice and spark to someone else? Especially if the offended spouse is just that - offended and hurt.
Some would justify themselves in seeking companionship after they have separated and are planning or are working on divorce. Guess what. That is also infidelity. You made commitments to one another when you got married, and those are not nullified until the ink is dried on the paperwork. Wait to pursue another love interest until the divorce is official.
If your spouse is having an emotional affair, may I suggest expressing your concern based on the fact that you love your spouse and want to work on your relationship with him or her. If an affair is happening, it is a clear sign that the friendship within the marriage is lacking and in need of attention and care. You have work to do and changes to make, as well. When caught early enough and through support and understanding from both parties, even the deepest of hurts can heal. Clearly the affair must stop for the marriage to heal, but the marriage CAN heal. Often external or professional help is needed, but I have seen some deeply damaged relationships come back from the dead because of mutual understanding and commitment.
If you are having an emotional affair, please stop justifying or rationalizing your actions. Seriously consider what you have done or are doing. Ask yourself sincerely, "Would I be perfectly okay with my spouse doing these same things with a 'friend' of the opposite sex?" "Are my actions building my marriage or tearing it down?" "Is my spouse okay with my relationship with this other person?" "In what way am I being faithful to my spouse by having this extramarital relationship, even if I do consider it to be just a friendship?" Trust me when I tell you that you would be hard pressed to find a therapist anywhere who would tell you that your actions are justifiable and not a big deal. You need to be aware that you are not being faithful and you need to get out of the other relationship and reinvest that emotional energy into the person you married. Stop calling your actions innocent, swallow your pride, and save your marriage. So many people have, and it is worth it.
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