The Power of Commitment

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe is credited for stating what has become one of my favorite quotes: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative and creation.  There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision."

Commitment is a powerful tool, and, indeed, the lack thereof is actually more destructive in our society than we may realize.  It is commitment that carries people forward in agreements made and the giving of one's word.  It is commitment that holds marriages together when rough times come, as they always and surely do.  It is commitment that achieves goals, finishes projects and assignments, follows through on promises, and ultimately performs to completion the greatest of tasks.  How much notoriety would the Great Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, or the Panama Canal hold if they were only partially completed?  How much respect would we have for Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, or George Washington if they had not stuck to their commitments when it got hard?  Do any of the greats of history hold their position in the annals of our memories because halfway through their assigned lot in life they decided it was too hard and just went home?  No.  Nor should it be with us.

That life is hard is not an exclusive fate that falls only to the unlucky, nor can it be said that sticking to a difficult or even dangerous task until it is finished is a cake walk made only by the extraordinary. Every day regular men and women to superhuman things because they are dedicated and committed and have the integrity to keep their word.

In marriage relationships commitment is of critical importance.  In 1995 the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stated, "We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.  Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."  The LDS Church is not the only religious or secular institution to encourage stability and commitment in family relationships.  Commitment holds the power to save a marriage.  Just knowing that your spouse wants to try brings incredible comfort and motivation to try in turn.

Commitment is power.  Whatever task seems difficult in your path, whatever relationship is testing your resolve, whatever decision you are waffling about making but know should go a certain way - move forward with conviction and commitment and then watch as amazing things unfold and happen in your life.

What is an Emotional Affair?

It is not uncommon to have clients come in to the office expressing deep hurt and frustration over a spouse that is claiming innocence in the midst of very real emotional infidelity.  Their spouse's defense?  "It's not cheating if there's no sex."  I'll just say this in the most clinical and professional terminology that I can - that's bull.  In today's blog I am going to be a little blunt, but I am running into this issue far more regularly now and lots of marriages are suffering needlessly because of it.  So hopefully a little directness will reach someone out there and help.

As the offended spouse you likely feel betrayed, hurt, confused, and may also feel like maybe you are going crazy because you are told so often you are being paranoid or controlling.  Yet right in front of you (or likely more often behind your back but you find out later) your spouse is laughing and joking and carrying on with a "friend" of the opposite sex (by text, email, inbox, on the phone, in person, etc.), while your marriage is starving for attention and emotional connection.  Sometimes it has gotten even more serious and personal information about your marriage is being divulged, or the two have begun talking or flirting sexually.  For those of you who have been or are in that category, let me assure you that YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!!  It is cheating.  Period.  What was your marriage built on in the first place?  Sex?  Of course not!!  If it was built correctly it was most likely built on friendship, time, and attention - basically it was built on emotional intimacy.  And now that foundational piece is getting siphoned off by someone who needs to have his/her morals examined for thinking it's okay to plunder someone else's marriage.

As a marriage therapist, let me assure you that the real challenge in helping a couple to heal from an affair is not in getting the sex to stop - it's in healing the betrayal.  And there is plenty of betrayal and to spare in most emotional affairs.  The betrayed spouse is told things like, "What is your problem?  We are just friends.  It's no big deal and you're getting all upset for nothing."  Yet hours of time is spent talking on the phone with the "friend", texting or Facebooking them regularly to share personal information, and sometimes even meeting them places.

Let's be clear (if I haven't already been) - any of the above mentioned behaviors constitute infidelity in marriage.  When one spouse does ANY behavior that is in secret and kept from the other one for the purpose of sharing emotional or personal information, they are running a serious risk of infidelity, if not already committing it.  A good rule of thumb to avoid this problem?  If you would not be comfortable writing or sharing or doing a given behavior in front of your spouse and with their full agreement, you are in the wrong and should make a different choice.  Your marriage likely depends on it.

In research done by John Gottman at the Gottman Institute, results showed that when asked what was the biggest determining factor for whether women felt satisfied with the romance, sex, and passion in the marriage, they responded by 70% that it was the quality of the couple's friendship.  Men reported the exact same statistic.  So if one or the other spouse is nurturing friendship with a different individual and not within the marriage, in what way can that be justified as fidelity?  How can they wonder why their own marriage is not producing the spice or spark it once had when they are giving the lion's share of the most important aspect of that spice and spark to someone else?  Especially if the offended spouse is just that - offended and hurt.

Some would justify themselves in seeking companionship after they have separated and are planning or are working on divorce.  Guess what.  That is also infidelity.  You made commitments to one another when you got married, and those are not nullified until the ink is dried on the paperwork.  Wait to pursue another love interest until the divorce is official.

If your spouse is having an emotional affair, may I suggest expressing your concern based on the fact that you love your spouse and want to work on your relationship with him or her.  If an affair is happening, it is a clear sign that the friendship within the marriage is lacking and in need of attention and care.  You have work to do and changes to make, as well.  When caught early enough and through support and understanding from both parties, even the deepest of hurts can heal.  Clearly the affair must stop for the marriage to heal, but the marriage CAN heal.  Often external or professional help is needed, but I have seen some deeply damaged relationships come back from the dead because of mutual understanding and commitment.  

If you are having an emotional affair, please stop justifying or rationalizing your actions.  Seriously consider what you have done or are doing.  Ask yourself sincerely, "Would I be perfectly okay with my spouse doing these same things with a 'friend' of the opposite sex?"  "Are my actions building my marriage or tearing it down?"  "Is my spouse okay with my relationship with this other person?"  "In what way am I being faithful to my spouse by having this extramarital relationship, even if I do consider it to be just a friendship?"  Trust me when  I tell you that you would be hard pressed to find a therapist anywhere who would tell you that your actions are justifiable and not a big deal.  You need to be aware that you are not being faithful and you need to get out of the other relationship and reinvest that emotional energy into the person you married.  Stop calling your actions innocent, swallow your pride, and save your marriage.  So many people have, and it is worth it.  

How Do I Know When It Is Time to Seek Counseling?

Many people benefit every day from seeking the unbiased help of a professional counselor.  Yet for every person who seeks out help, there are many others who, for one reason or another, do not choose to do so.  For some it is because of the unfair stigma associated with "needing help" instead of just handling it by ourselves.  For others it is an incorrect idea of what counseling is like.  Sometimes the media misrepresents professional counseling in movies or television shows.  Other times there are rumors or myths about counseling that prevail in keeping people from seeking help.

Regardless of the reasons why people stay away, there is so much good that can be obtained from seeking professional counseling help.  Granted, I realize I am just slightly biased, given that I am a counselor myself, but I have seen the benefits that come to people when they come for help.  Having a "safe" place to go where one can talk through concerns and gain tools or techniques is a priceless opportunity in today's busy and overwhelming world.

So, how would you know when it is time to find a counselor to help you or a loved one with a problem?  Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you might benefit from counseling:

1. Are you regularly dealing with depression, anxiety, or some other kind of emotional problem that just will not remit and which is interfering with your personal or professional life?
2. Do you struggle to communicate or get along in your marriage or in other relationships?
3. Are you grappling with a chemical or pornography addiction, or does someone you love struggle with this and you need help coping?
4. Do you feel you need to learn better skills for parenting (for young children, teenagers, or even adult children)?
5. Do you need to learn how to be more assertive and set boundaries with people?
6. Have you experienced trauma or abuse in your past and are still struggling with its effects, even years later?
7. Do you have interpersonal challenges with coworkers or others in your life and don't know how to correct them?
8. Have you lost someone you love or gone through a divorce and need help grieving?
9. Are you dating someone and want to be sure you and your significant other are equipped and prepared to get married?
10. Do you just feel stuck in life and need to gain some motivation and direction?

If you have answered affirmatively to any of the above questions, then counseling would be both appropriate and quite beneficial.  In counseling we don't just talk with each other.  You come as the expert in your life (after all, you're the one living it) and the counselor provides an objective "mirror" in which you can look at yourself and see where you can improve.  In addition, counselors provide tools, techniques, principles, and skills that you have potentially never had before to help you improve your ability to handle multiple problems in life.  

Consider seeking out the help of a counselor if you are dealing with any of the problems listed above.  You'll be glad you did.  Call us today at Steven Eastmond and Associates and we will either see you ourselves or assist you in finding a suitable counselor for you or your loved one.

Avoiding the “Should Haves” and the “What Ifs” of Depression and Anxiety

Avoiding the “Should Haves” and the “What Ifs” of Depression and Anxiety

Steven Eastmond, LCSW – September 2012

Depression and anxiety are unfortunately all too common in today’s society.  Yet despite the high prevalence rates, very few people seek treatment and of those who do, many keep both their illness and their treatment quiet.  Typically the reasons why treatment is not sought is because of a poverty of information about what treatment for depression is really like or is about.  For those who have concerns about seeking help for their depression or anxiety, may I offer some encouragement and some information as a sample of what you can learn from going to a qualified counselor to seek help for depression, anxiety, or other challenges.

Two primary things are common culprits for fueling depression and anxiety: chemical imbalances and negative thinking patterns.  In counseling we work to identify those negative thinking patterns and learn how to think in more realistic (not just positive) ways.  One example of what could be targeted in counseling is a negative thinking pattern in depression that comes in the form of “should haves” – regularly thinking of many things that I did in my past that I now recognize and/or acknowledge I should not have done.  For anxiety the common pattern is the “what ifs” – worries and concerns about hundreds of things that will more than likely never come to pass.  We may worry about 20 different possible things that could happen in a given situation, but only one thing actually will.  Typically that one thing is much less-anxiety provoking then all the other possibilities we have imagined.  The worst part about anxiety is that emotionally we suffer the potential outcomes of all 20 concerns instead of dealing with just the one that actually ends up happening.

The most balanced way to think is to stay grounded in “what is.”  Focusing on what is in front of you at the moment, while learning from the past and planning and preparing for the future is a great way to steer clear of negative dialogues like the “should haves” and the “what ifs” that we waste so much time thinking about.   As an experiment try focusing for a few days on “what is” in your life.

For example, if you are not very happy in your employment and have heard rumblings about possible layoffs, avoid the trap of the “should haves” which would take the form of “I should’ve seen this coming years ago and gotten out before I got so old” or “I shouldn’t have wasted time on the computer the last couple of weeks – I’ll bet they’ll can me because I haven’t worked as hard as I could have.”

Also avoid the “what ifs,” which might look like “What if my job position becomes obsolete?”  ”What if they know I hate my job – then I’m sure to get the ax!”  ”What if I really do get fired?  How will I feed my family and pay for insurance?”

Try instead to focus on “what is” – what do you know right now?  You have only heard rumors of layoffs.  Do you KNOW that these will happen?  ”What is” true is that you have a job.   Also notice what is true about how your boss treats you – no different then before.  Note that your performance numbers (actual data) are higher then other staff members with whom you work.  Once you really start paying attention, you will almost always find several truths that can help you stay grounded in fact – in “what is” – and as a result avoid very real potential for escalating your depression or anxiety.

Steven Eastmond, LCSW

Hospice: Living Every Moment to the Fullest

            Rarely do people initially associate hospice services with an opportunity to get the most out of life.  After all, hospice is a service provided exclusively for individuals with a terminal condition who no longer wish to seek treatment.  Doctors send patients home on hospice when they can no longer do anything to treat their condition. 

But in reality, hospice is not intended to help people to die; it is intended to help people to live every moment to the fullest before they die, and then when death does come, to allow natural processes to run their course while preserving dignity and maximizing comfort.  Helping people get the most out of their life is a deeply personal journey because each person defines their life so differently. 

The special and unique touch that the hospice team brings to each person is their ability to meet people where they are in their experience, rather than telling them where they “need to” or “should” be.  Hospice focuses on the person as a whole; a person who has a diagnosis and is facing death, but who also has hopes and dreams. 

            Hospice provides an interdisciplinary team that provides a wide range of services.  In addition to providing physical comfort, the most important shared responsibility of all team members is to assist the patient in accomplishing his or her goals when possible before death.  Some have a desire to repair relationships with estranged family members.  Others want to travel to New York, Hawaii, etc.  For some that may mean an actual trip that their family takes them on and for others it may mean bringing New York or Hawaii home (e.g., a special luau with friends and family, having a Broadway play/movie marathon at home, etc.).  This approach helps people to focus on the joys of life rather than on the fear of death.

            Although facing the prospect of death can be overwhelming, hospice can help patients to get the most out of the time they have left.  The hospice commitment is to improve quality of life and contribute to the joy of the journey before life is over.